In retrospect, it wasn’t serious at all but if I could give the midwife a gentle reprimand, I bloody well would. Natasha had her midwife visit yesterday and it was to check the heart beat, the weight, the size blah blah blah. Apparently it is fortnightly until the birth from now on. I went to one a month ago. Good it is. You hear the heartbeat and she slaps measuring tape on and tells you that your baby somehow equates to normal size. Without making myself look stupid, I believe it is somewhere along the lines of 28cm=28 weeks. If it is, tough to work out huh?! Well it was tough for our stupid midwife, because she decided that we hadn’t had any drama so far this pregnancy. The midwife informed Natasha that the baby doesn’t seem to be growing and is still measuring 29 weeks. “No need to panic but please go to the hospital immediately”! Was her riposte. I get the phone call with “don’t panic, I am sure it is fine” added to calm me down. It won’t calm me down. I wasn’t made that way. I have tried to be all calm and collected many a time in my life. When it comes to personal issues I just can’t. Work mind is another thing. I can deal with anything work chucks at me. Whilst all hell breaks loose at a fire or at a RTA (geeky talk for a car crash!), you will find me very calm and collected. It is why I work so much. To calm me down!
So, I am racing to the hospital to meet Natasha. Almost immediately, I wish I had gone BUPA. It is a horrible room packed with pregnant fatties and their partners or mama’s. Looking like they have all been given the same cracking news the Natasha’s midwife has given her. Natasha (Geoff) has to stop telling me not to panic at this point. She has informed me that she isn’t worried…. Unless they confirm it here?! Oh excellent. Another quick glance around the room makes me wish the doctor would hurry up. It can’t be that bad can it? They have kept us waiting now for an hour so if it was important, we would have gone in already. I am calm. In walks new doctor looking like top doc of whole hospital. Gulp…she is looking at us. Queue panic. She is walking away now and Natasha again leans in to confirm that I shouldn’t panic. She is beginning to sound like Clive Dunn from Dad’s Army now.
At this point I should point out that we have been there a while and done too much people watching. Is that women really with that bloke? That was a good game we played. Also, I enjoyed the, “I wonder how fat she is when she isn’t pregnant”; game.
Finally we are in. I am tempted to play the fool and have a joke with the doctor. I think its nerves; I have always been the same. I love the one where the doc/nurse says please climb on the bed to Natasha, I believe they mean me and start taking my shoes off and climbing on. A classic, crap, yet beautiful piece of comedy art that the doc/nurses have seen and heard happen for years, yet it never fails to surface for me!! I am not playing today though. No, no and no.
Well, of course, there wasn’t anything wrong at all. Course there wasn’t. I should have known that the midwife cannot use a measuring tape. She decided to miss off a few centimeters. Silly us! She cannot tell the difference between 29 cm and 33 cm. Where is the four she was missing? Silly woman.
So, it was nothing. Might as well have a little bit of drama every now and then. Hopefully now it will be plain sailing until the birth. The baby is maybe on the small side but then I am hardly six foot 4.
Saturday 13 June 2009
Thursday 11 June 2009
80 Million pound baby 11/06/09
RONNY-ALDO
80 million pounds for a footballer?
I see the papers have gone mad over it this morning. The internet is awash with comments and peoples own views on the matter.
Let’s be honest, it isn’t a particularly big deal is it? There wasn’t this much debate when Kaka was sold to the same buyer for 56 million pounds. That deal was only concluded this week so why the big uproar?
He wasn’t going to be sold for less and I am surprised he isn’t going for more. He is in the top five players in the world. Money within football has been crazy and stupid for years now so it seems rather pointless that such debate has sparked off.
We claim to be the best league in the world yet footballers of stature would not make this their first choice career destination. Will Messi arrive on these shores? I very much doubt it. We need a superstar to play over here and we need him soon. We have lost a massive player in Ronaldo from our premier league. Yes he was arrogant, yes he was egotistical, yes he dived; but he is probably one of the best, if not, the best footballer to ever play here. Coming from me, a Chelsea season ticket holder who shouted and hollered at ‘the winker’ every time I watched him, but I am also fair when it comes to appreciating talent. Ronaldo was, and is; talent. Powerful with his right foot, his left and his head. Skillful and intelligent with the ball. Few of us would refuse to accept him into their football team.
The lure of playing for the galacticos has become too strong for him and I for one think that this league will be a lesser league without him.
BABY TALK
So, we are now at the 50 day mark. It is now going very quick and getting very nervous. Apparently I have to be there. Be there the whole time. Obviously I am being naïve. I would like to think I am your average modern man. You could say ‘bog-standard’ man but that sounds wrong. How bad is it that you could be levied as ‘bog standard’? But I would definitely say that I wouldn’t by any means call myself out of touch with the world.
However, do I really need to be there the whole time? I was kind of looking forward to the break! I thought that seeing as the hospital of choice is only just up the road; it would be ok for me to ‘pop’ back home and have some time to rest. This is frowned upon. I have since agreed with Natasha (Geoff Capes) that I will be there and actually in the room, although I am excused, however; from being down the dirty end. I don’t need to see that. Nobody needs to see that. Why would any of you women feel that we should be seeing what happens at that end? It is unfair and I believe the stories that I have heard about the dirty end during labor are horrific enough to let us stay up the good end with the gas and air and a flannel. I tell you what, as a reward for letting me go up the beautiful girlfriends face end; I will hand out Ferraro Rochers and Cava to Natasha and the staff whilst the birth is in full motion. Surely, that is why it has such a bad vibe. If someone were to hand out ‘nibbles’ during labor, I bet you lot wouldn’t moan then…….
We are still in discussions with the rest of the world when it comes to the baby’s name. We have the name, although certain members of both our families keep trying to derail it. Terry only just comes in second to Alec when suggesting names. Some of the names are hilarious. Mama is the worst. Good names, but keeps on mentioning more names. Natasha wants to keep the name. I like a real man will stick with whatever Natasha wants! A good old’ friend of mine has recently named his child Beau. What a beautiful name. Not ever thought of that since we had been pregnant especially after we knew it would be a girl but what a fantastic name. Baby is beautiful too so it’s too good to have a good name and a good looking baby. Obviously, the baby got the mothers looks on that one so the kid is lucky. I am definitely hoping that our baby gets Natasha’s looks. I am not in the camp that most people seem to be when it comes to saying all babies are beautiful. There are some humdingers out there. Let’s be honest, you going to want a good looking baby!
80 million pounds for a footballer?
I see the papers have gone mad over it this morning. The internet is awash with comments and peoples own views on the matter.
Let’s be honest, it isn’t a particularly big deal is it? There wasn’t this much debate when Kaka was sold to the same buyer for 56 million pounds. That deal was only concluded this week so why the big uproar?
He wasn’t going to be sold for less and I am surprised he isn’t going for more. He is in the top five players in the world. Money within football has been crazy and stupid for years now so it seems rather pointless that such debate has sparked off.
We claim to be the best league in the world yet footballers of stature would not make this their first choice career destination. Will Messi arrive on these shores? I very much doubt it. We need a superstar to play over here and we need him soon. We have lost a massive player in Ronaldo from our premier league. Yes he was arrogant, yes he was egotistical, yes he dived; but he is probably one of the best, if not, the best footballer to ever play here. Coming from me, a Chelsea season ticket holder who shouted and hollered at ‘the winker’ every time I watched him, but I am also fair when it comes to appreciating talent. Ronaldo was, and is; talent. Powerful with his right foot, his left and his head. Skillful and intelligent with the ball. Few of us would refuse to accept him into their football team.
The lure of playing for the galacticos has become too strong for him and I for one think that this league will be a lesser league without him.
BABY TALK
So, we are now at the 50 day mark. It is now going very quick and getting very nervous. Apparently I have to be there. Be there the whole time. Obviously I am being naïve. I would like to think I am your average modern man. You could say ‘bog-standard’ man but that sounds wrong. How bad is it that you could be levied as ‘bog standard’? But I would definitely say that I wouldn’t by any means call myself out of touch with the world.
However, do I really need to be there the whole time? I was kind of looking forward to the break! I thought that seeing as the hospital of choice is only just up the road; it would be ok for me to ‘pop’ back home and have some time to rest. This is frowned upon. I have since agreed with Natasha (Geoff Capes) that I will be there and actually in the room, although I am excused, however; from being down the dirty end. I don’t need to see that. Nobody needs to see that. Why would any of you women feel that we should be seeing what happens at that end? It is unfair and I believe the stories that I have heard about the dirty end during labor are horrific enough to let us stay up the good end with the gas and air and a flannel. I tell you what, as a reward for letting me go up the beautiful girlfriends face end; I will hand out Ferraro Rochers and Cava to Natasha and the staff whilst the birth is in full motion. Surely, that is why it has such a bad vibe. If someone were to hand out ‘nibbles’ during labor, I bet you lot wouldn’t moan then…….
We are still in discussions with the rest of the world when it comes to the baby’s name. We have the name, although certain members of both our families keep trying to derail it. Terry only just comes in second to Alec when suggesting names. Some of the names are hilarious. Mama is the worst. Good names, but keeps on mentioning more names. Natasha wants to keep the name. I like a real man will stick with whatever Natasha wants! A good old’ friend of mine has recently named his child Beau. What a beautiful name. Not ever thought of that since we had been pregnant especially after we knew it would be a girl but what a fantastic name. Baby is beautiful too so it’s too good to have a good name and a good looking baby. Obviously, the baby got the mothers looks on that one so the kid is lucky. I am definitely hoping that our baby gets Natasha’s looks. I am not in the camp that most people seem to be when it comes to saying all babies are beautiful. There are some humdingers out there. Let’s be honest, you going to want a good looking baby!
Tuesday 9 June 2009
9/6/09 Natasha has it easy......
Only a minor amount of ribbing from mates over the ‘Friends’ entry. Plenty of offers to be my ‘Friend’. They think they are hilarious.
I think they are too. Andy scrabble making me laugh by constantly bringing it up was the highlight of my Friday night. Scratch that. The highlight of my night on Friday was the award that we won.
Let me explain.
My football club consists of six teams. Numbered 1-6 (for ease!). 6 being the poorer, 1 being the better. Well it should be like that. Due to politics and strong egos it doesn’t necessarily mean that the ones are better than others probably not, in hindsight. Anyway, I digress. The league presentation dinner was Friday and we had a strong turnout due to a fantastic season had by the club as a whole. The 5’s won their league (along with 1 cup win and another cup final appearance). The 3’s won their league. 2’s won their league.
The 1’s? Us? Well, we didn’t win anything but was allowed to pick up the hospitality award on behalf of the club. A most prestigious award, handed out to the club that referees and other teams have voted the most entertaining. I like to think we absolutely deserved it. It’s me that has been cajoling others into drinking 4 spirit shots laced with crisp, a bit of mars bar, orange juice, coke and deep heat cream rubbed around the rim of the glass. I say others. Invariably it is me that loses the stupid drinking game of ‘spoof’ and ends up a tiny bit p***ed.
It was nice of the club to let me collect the award along with my new best friend Andy Scrabble to make us feel important and not as bad a football as it looks. So, whilst every team was enjoying their triumphant moment on Friday due to their footballing efforts for the season we were raising a toast to our equally triumphant drinking sessions for the season!
Andy Scrabble, if you don’t know him. Is called Andy scrabble because he has the unfortunate surname Tkaczyk. This of course would get you 29 points in Scrabble if it wasn’t placed on any bonus squares. I like to keep this knowledge of his name with me at all times to wow people!!!! Mind you, it is such a messed up name that if you stuck an extra Z in there would anybody notice?
52 days to go and Natasha is getting the feeling the baby is going to be sooner rather than later (gulp). She has been getting more back pain associated with giving birth I believe! It will be rather scary if she has it soon. It still isn’t totally sinking in for me yet. I wonder if she could hold off for a while. Perhaps 4 or 5 years?
She thinks she has it hard. I have to work non-stop for the next ten days with my night shifts bunged in. give me a baby to carry in front of me for nine months any day!
I think they are too. Andy scrabble making me laugh by constantly bringing it up was the highlight of my Friday night. Scratch that. The highlight of my night on Friday was the award that we won.
Let me explain.
My football club consists of six teams. Numbered 1-6 (for ease!). 6 being the poorer, 1 being the better. Well it should be like that. Due to politics and strong egos it doesn’t necessarily mean that the ones are better than others probably not, in hindsight. Anyway, I digress. The league presentation dinner was Friday and we had a strong turnout due to a fantastic season had by the club as a whole. The 5’s won their league (along with 1 cup win and another cup final appearance). The 3’s won their league. 2’s won their league.
The 1’s? Us? Well, we didn’t win anything but was allowed to pick up the hospitality award on behalf of the club. A most prestigious award, handed out to the club that referees and other teams have voted the most entertaining. I like to think we absolutely deserved it. It’s me that has been cajoling others into drinking 4 spirit shots laced with crisp, a bit of mars bar, orange juice, coke and deep heat cream rubbed around the rim of the glass. I say others. Invariably it is me that loses the stupid drinking game of ‘spoof’ and ends up a tiny bit p***ed.
It was nice of the club to let me collect the award along with my new best friend Andy Scrabble to make us feel important and not as bad a football as it looks. So, whilst every team was enjoying their triumphant moment on Friday due to their footballing efforts for the season we were raising a toast to our equally triumphant drinking sessions for the season!
Andy Scrabble, if you don’t know him. Is called Andy scrabble because he has the unfortunate surname Tkaczyk. This of course would get you 29 points in Scrabble if it wasn’t placed on any bonus squares. I like to keep this knowledge of his name with me at all times to wow people!!!! Mind you, it is such a messed up name that if you stuck an extra Z in there would anybody notice?
52 days to go and Natasha is getting the feeling the baby is going to be sooner rather than later (gulp). She has been getting more back pain associated with giving birth I believe! It will be rather scary if she has it soon. It still isn’t totally sinking in for me yet. I wonder if she could hold off for a while. Perhaps 4 or 5 years?
She thinks she has it hard. I have to work non-stop for the next ten days with my night shifts bunged in. give me a baby to carry in front of me for nine months any day!
Saturday 6 June 2009
6/6/09 Keeble fun day....(55)
Bad stares from Natasha today. Not 'cos I was drunk last night. I was back at a reasonable hour, I was also in a very happy mood. So why is she walking around the living room , polish in hand, giving me a stare.
I mean yes, I haven' done much this morning apart from go and get some bread from the shops. But I feel I deserve the rest. I am shattered.
I am going to ask her..............................
OOOps.... Now I get it......
She had asked ME to do the polishing. AND the hoovering........
When was this asked of me?...haven't a clue...but she seems sure that she has.
I am putting it down to that old classic pregnancy problem of 'phantom questions'. We all know she hasn't asked me but lets just patronisingly let her think she has and I'll then worm my way out of this with a little Lew Lew charm. But my head hurts. This is going to take some effort.
I have just brought her a 'Hetty' hoover, you would think that she would want to carry out the wonderful chore of sucking up dust herself!!
On the subject of Hettys.... Should a vacuum cleaner look so pretty?..... We discussed this at the football presentation last night. Mind you it took a weird sexual orientation angle.....so we should just leave that there.
Terry and his Boyfriend on their way down to us today. As we speak, he is almost definately stuck in traffic and will be a little late.We are off out together to meet the rest of the Keebles for a day of fun in the park. Great idea last week when the sun was out.
I almost love the English weather. Not for its utterly annoying unpredictability. But for the fact that no matter what happens with the weather, I always seem disappointed. If it is sunny all day, unless it is 110 degrees and my skin is blistering. then I won't be happy!
No doubt today with the family will involve to many attention seekers! Terry will have us all in stitches and Tori will be loud, Mama will get annoyed at both of them. I will spend the day being the quiet one as usual.
I love days with the family. Everyone loves their own family of course but mine seem that little bit unique.
I'm still smiling after seeing the boys at the football presentation last night. Such a funny night. Josh and his boys from the fives were up to their usual hilarious tricks. Danny O sullivan, who I also work with at the station, fell for the almost classicaly famous 'pudding challenge'.
An elaborate joke which ends with with the winner having pudding all over his face and embarrassed when he realises he was the only one taking part. i would like to divulge more but I feel that I may not trick next years unfortunate victim.
Anyway. Of and away I go.
Just received call from terry.......Stuck in traffic and will be late....
I mean yes, I haven' done much this morning apart from go and get some bread from the shops. But I feel I deserve the rest. I am shattered.
I am going to ask her..............................
OOOps.... Now I get it......
She had asked ME to do the polishing. AND the hoovering........
When was this asked of me?...haven't a clue...but she seems sure that she has.
I am putting it down to that old classic pregnancy problem of 'phantom questions'. We all know she hasn't asked me but lets just patronisingly let her think she has and I'll then worm my way out of this with a little Lew Lew charm. But my head hurts. This is going to take some effort.
I have just brought her a 'Hetty' hoover, you would think that she would want to carry out the wonderful chore of sucking up dust herself!!
On the subject of Hettys.... Should a vacuum cleaner look so pretty?..... We discussed this at the football presentation last night. Mind you it took a weird sexual orientation angle.....so we should just leave that there.
Terry and his Boyfriend on their way down to us today. As we speak, he is almost definately stuck in traffic and will be a little late.We are off out together to meet the rest of the Keebles for a day of fun in the park. Great idea last week when the sun was out.
I almost love the English weather. Not for its utterly annoying unpredictability. But for the fact that no matter what happens with the weather, I always seem disappointed. If it is sunny all day, unless it is 110 degrees and my skin is blistering. then I won't be happy!
No doubt today with the family will involve to many attention seekers! Terry will have us all in stitches and Tori will be loud, Mama will get annoyed at both of them. I will spend the day being the quiet one as usual.
I love days with the family. Everyone loves their own family of course but mine seem that little bit unique.
I'm still smiling after seeing the boys at the football presentation last night. Such a funny night. Josh and his boys from the fives were up to their usual hilarious tricks. Danny O sullivan, who I also work with at the station, fell for the almost classicaly famous 'pudding challenge'.
An elaborate joke which ends with with the winner having pudding all over his face and embarrassed when he realises he was the only one taking part. i would like to divulge more but I feel that I may not trick next years unfortunate victim.
Anyway. Of and away I go.
Just received call from terry.......Stuck in traffic and will be late....
Friday 5 June 2009
Baby Nerves 05/06/09
05/06/09
I’m getting a little bit of nerves now mixing in with excitement. The prospect of me and Natasha having a baby together is now very real.
Natasha now seems to be uncomfortable all of the time. With 56 days to go it looks like it isn’t going to be a nice ‘home stretch for her’. And for me I suppose, I will probably have to get up and get her water more often or make the dinner every once in a while.
Pregnancy is definitely tough on the father that’s for sure.
I started the count down from 87 days and already on 56 feels me with an immense amount of nerves! Seems so far yet so near
I still can’t believe that I am having a child of my own. I will never put her down. She can wake me up whenever. She will be mine.
It was obviously never right for me to have a baby before. It feels so right now and Natasha is just so beautiful a person to be with.
I need to pinch myself I think.
I won’t let Natasha pinch me though because she has the strength of Geoff Capes at the moment! She should shave that beard.
I’m getting a little bit of nerves now mixing in with excitement. The prospect of me and Natasha having a baby together is now very real.
Natasha now seems to be uncomfortable all of the time. With 56 days to go it looks like it isn’t going to be a nice ‘home stretch for her’. And for me I suppose, I will probably have to get up and get her water more often or make the dinner every once in a while.
Pregnancy is definitely tough on the father that’s for sure.
I started the count down from 87 days and already on 56 feels me with an immense amount of nerves! Seems so far yet so near
I still can’t believe that I am having a child of my own. I will never put her down. She can wake me up whenever. She will be mine.
It was obviously never right for me to have a baby before. It feels so right now and Natasha is just so beautiful a person to be with.
I need to pinch myself I think.
I won’t let Natasha pinch me though because she has the strength of Geoff Capes at the moment! She should shave that beard.
Thursday 4 June 2009
Friends
FRIEND
–noun
1.
A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2.
A person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3.
a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
The above is born from a dictionary definition and I suppose it does pretty much sum it up, mind you, I kind of hope that’s what a dictionary would do.
Anyway. Like I said in my first entry, this is something I feel so very strongly about and again, the subject of friendship has popped its big ugly head back into the spotlight of my thoughts again in the last week. I won’t go over it but it is the same problem I have had for most of my adult life.
You see, ultimately, my problem is that for all my friends and acquaintances, and believe me in a modest way; there is a lot! I haven’t the close friend or friends that I feel I have always craved.
Just to point back to first entry, like I said, I won’t be holding back anything because if it’s how I feel, then it should be written down so as to read this in years to come and how life and attitudes have changed.
I should start with the fact that I am definitely not needy! I absolutely love my own company, but the problem with friends is mine and mine only.
I never have time for them.
Yet I expect them to find time for me.
I am positive that if you asked the ones close to me throughout my adulthood they will be very quick to tell you that it’s probably because of myself that I haven’t got what I want. Come to think of it, my family would probably be offering their views on my extremely bad communication skills. I am better at staying in touch now than I have ever been though; it’s just that I work far too much. I have lived to work for too long now; it is only since I have met Natasha that I have seen this. I had been told this fact by people before but never did I really understand it. My ex was always telling me to find time for her or do the things that I wanted with my friends. But did I listen? No. Because I wasn’t being told by the right person. I didn’t want to find more time. I do now. And I do find more time. Much more.
But I am still missing the close friend.
I have some cracking mates, from my brilliant and loyal work mates, to my football mates, to my old mates from the past and growing up. I just wish I had made more effort to stay in touch with them, especially my old mates like Carl, Nick, Danny, Tony. Bloody hell, me, Nick, Danny used to live together. Three years was it? And now we hardly speak. It’s not all me of course, but I am the one having a good ol’ whine about it. When we do speak or see each other it’s so much fun but then it’s gone again.
Of course, I understand that people do drift apart and that is part of life. I also understand that if you make an effort you will get what you wanted. As with everything in life. They will always be my mates, I know that. We did kind of drift away because I moved; I definitely take most of the blame for those guys.
There is so much to all of this, it is rooted in me and my insecurities. I have dealt with a lot of my insecurities in the past and have very few now that ever rear there ugly head. This one never seems to go away.
My closest thing to the “best mate –would probably be best man at wedding” kind of buddy kind of thing! Is John. Top man (although we have recently split up!)
I know from john; we have talked about before, that it looks to him and others I have spoken to before; that I have lots of friends that I see, this baffles me. Does it look like I do? ….
Yes, I DO have lots of friends but I never see them. This in turn means that I haven’t got what the person next to me seems to have.
I tell you what it is. If there is a big football game on, I don’t ring a mate and say to meet down ‘the local’. I never have been a massive ‘local’ kind of drinker. Although that is definitely down to not being any particularly nice pubs near me! If I have anything going on in my life of concern, I can honestly say I wouldn’t have anybody to call up to chat to about it.
Do other people even have that? Perhaps I am a little deluded and this has bothered me so much that I am convinced that is the relationship that all people that are close friends have. Perhaps I am the same as everybody else around me and they think the same things as me. But then again, perhaps not.
I am terrible at picking up my phone, my life is so busy. I complete an average of 80-90 hours a week working in two jobs. I then have my family when I finish, try to fit in time around this to accommodate friends is hard. That is why I am amazed that people think I am always with mates or have no time for them.
I have no time for anybody yet I crave it so much.
Writing all this down is good because I can see that the problem here lies with work.
I don’t always carry my phone around with me so it looks like I just refuse to answer it, I then get home later and remember I need to call people back, but by then I feel too tired and I say to myself I will call them back tomorrow, totally ignoring the fact that the next day is another busy day in my life and I will not get time. Even though I know that it doesn’t take much effort to ring someone.
I remember the days when I would meet up with people for all day drinking sessions in the puzzle pub. They were brilliant days; in fact, it’s because of those days that I wish I still had that every now and then. I know life changes and goes on around us but it still doesn’t mean I shouldn’t wish for it. I am having a child soon. I want to share it. It is probably why I have finally written this. The baby is imminent and it looks like I will be sharing all the good stuff in a blog!
John is such a good mate and always has been, but we don’t live near each other so it has always been hard to see each other more. He also has a family to look after and provide for. You see, I know all this and can see it clearly, it is all part of life but I do wish we lived closer. My mates are work are pretty much the best you can ask for, for work mates. We all spend so much time together already though that you are kind of sick of it by the end of the week! Seriously, they are great. I can definitely rely on them to listen to me whining, and believe me, I whine well! They almost certainly do not listen, they hear. But that is good enough for me!
I am having a moment, that’s all. I know the problem lies with me and work. I could definitely find more time if I wasn’t always working or tired from working.
I am very lucky to even have this many friends so I know my place, if I did stay in touch more I couldn’t at all find enough time to see them all. I think I know what I crave but I will just have to accept that I can’t expect it unless I put more effort into it.
I am so annoyingly happy with life now and it almost all lies at the feet of Natasha. She has made me smile and made me feel more content than I have ever been. I smile inanely at to what I had to now, what I have.
I am going to try from now on to make a little more effort; even the smallest increase may make a difference. I still will not have time to go out for drinks much but at least it mike make ME feel better!
When I read this through, so much comes a lot clearer.
I am extremely lucky for what I have no matter how much I whine. Over the issue of friends I am no doubt a dreamer. In a few years my life will change and I will have more time for people. The friends I have now are great and would, without hesitation; be there for me if I needed.
It is all down to me and I need to do something about it if I am going to whine about it so much. As my good friend said “I need to take my head out of my arse”. I am going to.
–noun
1.
A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2.
A person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3.
a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
The above is born from a dictionary definition and I suppose it does pretty much sum it up, mind you, I kind of hope that’s what a dictionary would do.
Anyway. Like I said in my first entry, this is something I feel so very strongly about and again, the subject of friendship has popped its big ugly head back into the spotlight of my thoughts again in the last week. I won’t go over it but it is the same problem I have had for most of my adult life.
You see, ultimately, my problem is that for all my friends and acquaintances, and believe me in a modest way; there is a lot! I haven’t the close friend or friends that I feel I have always craved.
Just to point back to first entry, like I said, I won’t be holding back anything because if it’s how I feel, then it should be written down so as to read this in years to come and how life and attitudes have changed.
I should start with the fact that I am definitely not needy! I absolutely love my own company, but the problem with friends is mine and mine only.
I never have time for them.
Yet I expect them to find time for me.
I am positive that if you asked the ones close to me throughout my adulthood they will be very quick to tell you that it’s probably because of myself that I haven’t got what I want. Come to think of it, my family would probably be offering their views on my extremely bad communication skills. I am better at staying in touch now than I have ever been though; it’s just that I work far too much. I have lived to work for too long now; it is only since I have met Natasha that I have seen this. I had been told this fact by people before but never did I really understand it. My ex was always telling me to find time for her or do the things that I wanted with my friends. But did I listen? No. Because I wasn’t being told by the right person. I didn’t want to find more time. I do now. And I do find more time. Much more.
But I am still missing the close friend.
I have some cracking mates, from my brilliant and loyal work mates, to my football mates, to my old mates from the past and growing up. I just wish I had made more effort to stay in touch with them, especially my old mates like Carl, Nick, Danny, Tony. Bloody hell, me, Nick, Danny used to live together. Three years was it? And now we hardly speak. It’s not all me of course, but I am the one having a good ol’ whine about it. When we do speak or see each other it’s so much fun but then it’s gone again.
Of course, I understand that people do drift apart and that is part of life. I also understand that if you make an effort you will get what you wanted. As with everything in life. They will always be my mates, I know that. We did kind of drift away because I moved; I definitely take most of the blame for those guys.
There is so much to all of this, it is rooted in me and my insecurities. I have dealt with a lot of my insecurities in the past and have very few now that ever rear there ugly head. This one never seems to go away.
My closest thing to the “best mate –would probably be best man at wedding” kind of buddy kind of thing! Is John. Top man (although we have recently split up!)
I know from john; we have talked about before, that it looks to him and others I have spoken to before; that I have lots of friends that I see, this baffles me. Does it look like I do? ….
Yes, I DO have lots of friends but I never see them. This in turn means that I haven’t got what the person next to me seems to have.
I tell you what it is. If there is a big football game on, I don’t ring a mate and say to meet down ‘the local’. I never have been a massive ‘local’ kind of drinker. Although that is definitely down to not being any particularly nice pubs near me! If I have anything going on in my life of concern, I can honestly say I wouldn’t have anybody to call up to chat to about it.
Do other people even have that? Perhaps I am a little deluded and this has bothered me so much that I am convinced that is the relationship that all people that are close friends have. Perhaps I am the same as everybody else around me and they think the same things as me. But then again, perhaps not.
I am terrible at picking up my phone, my life is so busy. I complete an average of 80-90 hours a week working in two jobs. I then have my family when I finish, try to fit in time around this to accommodate friends is hard. That is why I am amazed that people think I am always with mates or have no time for them.
I have no time for anybody yet I crave it so much.
Writing all this down is good because I can see that the problem here lies with work.
I don’t always carry my phone around with me so it looks like I just refuse to answer it, I then get home later and remember I need to call people back, but by then I feel too tired and I say to myself I will call them back tomorrow, totally ignoring the fact that the next day is another busy day in my life and I will not get time. Even though I know that it doesn’t take much effort to ring someone.
I remember the days when I would meet up with people for all day drinking sessions in the puzzle pub. They were brilliant days; in fact, it’s because of those days that I wish I still had that every now and then. I know life changes and goes on around us but it still doesn’t mean I shouldn’t wish for it. I am having a child soon. I want to share it. It is probably why I have finally written this. The baby is imminent and it looks like I will be sharing all the good stuff in a blog!
John is such a good mate and always has been, but we don’t live near each other so it has always been hard to see each other more. He also has a family to look after and provide for. You see, I know all this and can see it clearly, it is all part of life but I do wish we lived closer. My mates are work are pretty much the best you can ask for, for work mates. We all spend so much time together already though that you are kind of sick of it by the end of the week! Seriously, they are great. I can definitely rely on them to listen to me whining, and believe me, I whine well! They almost certainly do not listen, they hear. But that is good enough for me!
I am having a moment, that’s all. I know the problem lies with me and work. I could definitely find more time if I wasn’t always working or tired from working.
I am very lucky to even have this many friends so I know my place, if I did stay in touch more I couldn’t at all find enough time to see them all. I think I know what I crave but I will just have to accept that I can’t expect it unless I put more effort into it.
I am so annoyingly happy with life now and it almost all lies at the feet of Natasha. She has made me smile and made me feel more content than I have ever been. I smile inanely at to what I had to now, what I have.
I am going to try from now on to make a little more effort; even the smallest increase may make a difference. I still will not have time to go out for drinks much but at least it mike make ME feel better!
When I read this through, so much comes a lot clearer.
I am extremely lucky for what I have no matter how much I whine. Over the issue of friends I am no doubt a dreamer. In a few years my life will change and I will have more time for people. The friends I have now are great and would, without hesitation; be there for me if I needed.
It is all down to me and I need to do something about it if I am going to whine about it so much. As my good friend said “I need to take my head out of my arse”. I am going to.
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