Friends

FRIEND
–noun
1.
A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2.
A person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.

3.
a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?

The above is born from a dictionary definition and I suppose it does pretty much sum it up, mind you, I kind of hope that’s what a dictionary would do.
Anyway. Like I said in my first entry, this is something I feel so very strongly about and again, the subject of friendship has popped its big ugly head back into the spotlight of my thoughts again in the last week. I won’t go over it but it is the same problem I have had for most of my adult life.
You see, ultimately, my problem is that for all my friends and acquaintances, and believe me in a modest way; there is a lot! I haven’t the close friend or friends that I feel I have always craved.
Just to point back to first entry, like I said, I won’t be holding back anything because if it’s how I feel, then it should be written down so as to read this in years to come and how life and attitudes have changed.
I should start with the fact that I am definitely not needy! I absolutely love my own company, but the problem with friends is mine and mine only.
I never have time for them.
Yet I expect them to find time for me.
I am positive that if you asked the ones close to me throughout my adulthood they will be very quick to tell you that it’s probably because of myself that I haven’t got what I want. Come to think of it, my family would probably be offering their views on my extremely bad communication skills. I am better at staying in touch now than I have ever been though; it’s just that I work far too much. I have lived to work for too long now; it is only since I have met Natasha that I have seen this. I had been told this fact by people before but never did I really understand it. My ex was always telling me to find time for her or do the things that I wanted with my friends. But did I listen? No. Because I wasn’t being told by the right person. I didn’t want to find more time. I do now. And I do find more time. Much more.
But I am still missing the close friend.
I have some cracking mates, from my brilliant and loyal work mates, to my football mates, to my old mates from the past and growing up. I just wish I had made more effort to stay in touch with them, especially my old mates like Carl, Nick, Danny, Tony. Bloody hell, me, Nick, Danny used to live together. Three years was it? And now we hardly speak. It’s not all me of course, but I am the one having a good ol’ whine about it. When we do speak or see each other it’s so much fun but then it’s gone again.
Of course, I understand that people do drift apart and that is part of life. I also understand that if you make an effort you will get what you wanted. As with everything in life. They will always be my mates, I know that. We did kind of drift away because I moved; I definitely take most of the blame for those guys.
There is so much to all of this, it is rooted in me and my insecurities. I have dealt with a lot of my insecurities in the past and have very few now that ever rear there ugly head. This one never seems to go away.
My closest thing to the “best mate –would probably be best man at wedding” kind of buddy kind of thing! Is John. Top man (although we have recently split up!)
I know from john; we have talked about before, that it looks to him and others I have spoken to before; that I have lots of friends that I see, this baffles me. Does it look like I do? ….
Yes, I DO have lots of friends but I never see them. This in turn means that I haven’t got what the person next to me seems to have.
I tell you what it is. If there is a big football game on, I don’t ring a mate and say to meet down ‘the local’. I never have been a massive ‘local’ kind of drinker. Although that is definitely down to not being any particularly nice pubs near me! If I have anything going on in my life of concern, I can honestly say I wouldn’t have anybody to call up to chat to about it.
Do other people even have that? Perhaps I am a little deluded and this has bothered me so much that I am convinced that is the relationship that all people that are close friends have. Perhaps I am the same as everybody else around me and they think the same things as me. But then again, perhaps not.
I am terrible at picking up my phone, my life is so busy. I complete an average of 80-90 hours a week working in two jobs. I then have my family when I finish, try to fit in time around this to accommodate friends is hard. That is why I am amazed that people think I am always with mates or have no time for them.
I have no time for anybody yet I crave it so much.
Writing all this down is good because I can see that the problem here lies with work.
I don’t always carry my phone around with me so it looks like I just refuse to answer it, I then get home later and remember I need to call people back, but by then I feel too tired and I say to myself I will call them back tomorrow, totally ignoring the fact that the next day is another busy day in my life and I will not get time. Even though I know that it doesn’t take much effort to ring someone.
I remember the days when I would meet up with people for all day drinking sessions in the puzzle pub. They were brilliant days; in fact, it’s because of those days that I wish I still had that every now and then. I know life changes and goes on around us but it still doesn’t mean I shouldn’t wish for it. I am having a child soon. I want to share it. It is probably why I have finally written this. The baby is imminent and it looks like I will be sharing all the good stuff in a blog!
John is such a good mate and always has been, but we don’t live near each other so it has always been hard to see each other more. He also has a family to look after and provide for. You see, I know all this and can see it clearly, it is all part of life but I do wish we lived closer. My mates are work are pretty much the best you can ask for, for work mates. We all spend so much time together already though that you are kind of sick of it by the end of the week! Seriously, they are great. I can definitely rely on them to listen to me whining, and believe me, I whine well! They almost certainly do not listen, they hear. But that is good enough for me!
I am having a moment, that’s all. I know the problem lies with me and work. I could definitely find more time if I wasn’t always working or tired from working.
I am very lucky to even have this many friends so I know my place, if I did stay in touch more I couldn’t at all find enough time to see them all. I think I know what I crave but I will just have to accept that I can’t expect it unless I put more effort into it.
I am so annoyingly happy with life now and it almost all lies at the feet of Natasha. She has made me smile and made me feel more content than I have ever been. I smile inanely at to what I had to now, what I have.
I am going to try from now on to make a little more effort; even the smallest increase may make a difference. I still will not have time to go out for drinks much but at least it mike make ME feel better!
When I read this through, so much comes a lot clearer.
I am extremely lucky for what I have no matter how much I whine. Over the issue of friends I am no doubt a dreamer. In a few years my life will change and I will have more time for people. The friends I have now are great and would, without hesitation; be there for me if I needed.
It is all down to me and I need to do something about it if I am going to whine about it so much. As my good friend said “I need to take my head out of my arse”. I am going to.